06 May 2007: Waiting around in FOB Marez

Ok, Ok... I know what everyone is thinking. Where have I been? I'm sorry to keep you waiting. It's my intent to have my updates ready for your morning coffee. I hope nobody has been worried about me. Everything's fine. The past 36 hours have been very chaotic. Then it didn't help a bit that I had this entire entry ready when *poof!* Lost in cyberspace. This will be a rare entry - my second iteration. Normally RD equals FC (RD - rough draft, FC - final copy). Well you are the benefactor because today you will get not one, but two entries. I'll start with 6 May 07.

Our inspections are complete. All we're doing is awaiting travel to LSAA. Unfortunately, there's no direct flight. That means we go back to LSAA via FOB Speicher. The first leg of our journey wasn't until 2200. So we have the entire day to explore. Hell, we saw the whole place yesterday. There's only so much to do at FOB Marez. It's hard to top the MWR Cinco de Mayo Fiesta. We didn't sleep in though. My two soldiers got up early and went back to MWR to watch the Merriweather-de la Hoya fight. I went to breakfast only to find the fight on at the DFAC. The irony is that my soldiers skipped breakfast to watch. There was a big crowd of Joes at the DFAC. I really couldn't tell who the favorite was among them. I personally found the fight to be boring. There was a collective groan at the split decision. When it was over I just sat back and enjoyed more coffee. I didn't need to be anywhere soon.

After breakfast I paid a visit to the trailer latrine. Remember coffee has that effect. Inside the stall I discovered that an aspiring retention Joe had paid a visit. He had left a powerful retention slogan to motivate others. After some thought I concluded that he has a future not only as a retention NCO in his unit, but also as a recruiter. Here's what he wrote:

"For a good fuck..... RE-ENLIST!!"

I find his slogan eye-catching, poignant, and quite simple. Yep, he's got a future.

There really wasn't much to do with the rest of the day. I visited the Marez gym. At 2130 we all met back at the unit orderly room with all our gear. The CQ runner gave us a ride back to the pax terminal in a 5-ton truck (a bit of overkill). Although we had been assured by the unit that our "show time" for the flight was 2200 we found out otherwise. We were late by almost two hours. Only two things saved us from missing the flight - the helicopters were late AND my persistant pleading that it wasn't our fault. It turned out to be the shortest stay at a pax terminal yet. Within 30 minutes we were loading onto CH47 Chinooks for the flight to Speicher. The Chinook is an ungainly, Vietnam-era helicopter that has two, counter-rotating, main rotor blades. It's the largest helicopter in the Army's inventory. Don't let it's age, size, or appearance fool you though. It's the fastest helicopter in the fleet. The one we loaded was completely packed with personnel and cargo. It was an incredibly uncomfortable flight. I believe everyone let out a collective sigh of relief when we finally touched down at Speicher.

Once we arrived a POC from another unit picked us up for transport to our billets. We had no mission at Speicher but a unit had been designated to provide our life support. The SSG that picked us up tried to be a tour guide. It was too dark to see anything. To make matters worse, he kept turning on the interior light of the bus every time he tried to point something out. That meant we could only see our own reflections in the bus windows. I quickly told him we had already been to Speicher and to just get us to our hooches. It was after midnight for cryin' out loud. He shut up and hurried us to our rooms. I was asleep within ten minutes of getting in my room (including a trip to the trailer latrine to brush my teeth). For whatever reason the beds had no pillows. I improvised with my pants and bath towel. This proved to be a lethal combination on my neck. I wouldn't find that out until the morning. For now I was just glad to have the day over. Now if we could just get back to LSAA.

05 May 2007: Cinco de Mayo - Marez

Yesterday's post began with me having to cut myself short because I was talking about today instead of the 4th. Thanks to my flight escapades it seems as though I experienced a 48 hour Cinco de Mayo. So where did I leave off? We had arrived in FOB Marez, been picked up by our contact, and were about to hit breakfast. That we did. By the time we finished the sun was up so rather than going to bed we knocked out our inspections. It was a good call. We finished around 1030, which meant that we were completely done with work. Seems ironic doesn't it? It took us longer to travel here than the actual work we had to perform took to complete. That's just the way it works out. Now we had the rest of the day and night to catch up on sleep, explore, and do whatever else. The first priority was sleep. I don't care what anyone says, sleep is never overrated.

A few hours later I finally stirred. After securing some coffee from the "Java Hut" (no Grean Beans here) I started walking around to see what sites FOB Marez offered. Right away I noticed an authentic 7/11 sign. I had to see for myself. My mouth began watering for a Slurpee. Disappointment followed. It was a faux-7/11 run by a local national. I should've known - the hours of operation were posted as 0900-2200 (making it a 9/10 store). There was no Slurpee machine. Inside were a bunch of pirated DVDs, trinkets, smokes, and a cooler with sodas. By the way, pirated DVDs are a booming business here. First run movies are available within 24 hours of a stateside opening for about $3 a pop. The quality of the DVD is suspect but Joes flock to the bazaar (incorrectly nicknamed "Haji-marts") to buy movies. Well in FOB Marez you can find a wide selection at the 7/11.

Adjacent to the 7/11 were other shops. There was another shop ("Marez Mart") run by a very friendly local gentleman. There you could find more pirated movies. I bought a bottle of guava juice while there. Then I walked into another store that looked like a Cracker Barrel on the outside. It was Turkish-run. Inside a soldier could find leather goods, jewelry, hair salon, and even a tailor who made business suits. Down the street was the barber shop and another leather store named "Elvis Leather Shop". I guess you could buy Elvis-inspired leather jackets there. It is really amazing how much free enterprise a person can find on a FOB.

After checking out the shops I headed over to the orderly room of the unit we had inspected. I needed to find out our flight information for returning to LSAA. As I walked in I met the commander - a female Captain - who had been absent while we were conducting our inspections. She thanked me for coming and introduced me to a civilian named Brad. He was a security specialist. I think he was there to hit on the Captain. Brad and I walked out together and he asked me if I needed a ride anywhere. I didn't but he offered to show me around. I took him up on the offer and climbed into his heavily armored Chevy Suburban. We drove to the site of an old Christian mission. I don't know how old the place was but it was just a ruin now. Across the street from the mission was a junk park of old Iraqi army tanks and artillery. I acted the tourist and took photos of both the mission and the junk. Then Brad dropped me off at the MWR, where I checked e-mail.

Remember the coffee I purchased earlier? Well it hit me and with a vengeance. I quickly headed to a containerized latrine. Boy was I happy I did! Sure, I was able to find relief but also found a choice spot for determining the pulse of Marez. There was some terrific graffitti. So long as you know what's on Joe's mind you can never fail as a leader. The toilet stall walls are where Joe takes time to reflect. What's Joe got on his mind in FOB Marez? Here's some of the thoughts and concerns. All of these quotes are exactly as documented(including spelling) by Joe.

I discovered a new breed of Joe. I'll call him effeminate Joe - as in he's in touch with the woman inside. Here's what he had to say. "Listen fellas heres the thing not every woman wants to sleep with you. She prolly dont even think about gettin down with anybody so stop treating the women in the military like whores! Cause the next Generation could be your daughter so stop the trend now!"

Then I noticed there was an intraspective Joe who wanted to share commentary on the bigger picture. He offered a couple of quotes.

"We the willing led by the unknowing Do the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much for so long with so little we are now qualified to do anything with nothing"

"Thoes who fight for it have a taste for freedom Thoes defended will never know"

It seems there are a few Joes at Marez unhappy with their chain-of-command. Here's what they had to say.

"16 SIG BN - No Discipline, Crap Commo, Bad Retention"

"29th SIG BN - No mission, Crap Leadership, Bad Spelling"

And my personal favorite - "BEND OVER AND TAKE IT LIKE A 29TH 16TH SOLDIER!" That drew a simple, yet poignant response - "That's wrong"

Fatalistic Joe made an appearance too. He said, "fuck all you cry baby Bitches you signed up for this"

Finally there was an optimistic Joe who had taken in his surroundings and summed them up with two simple words - "ghetto fabulous"

Joes at FOB Marez must hold their time as precious because the normal latrine-graffitti conversations were non-existent. However there was fresh paint in some of the stalls which indicated some choice Joe thoughts had been expunged from the record.

I didn't forget Cinco de Mayo. Indeed there was a party. It was held later at the MWR. The inside was festooned with Mexican flags, streamers, party favors, and plenty of songs that had the repetitive "Ay Ya Ya Ya's!" They were serving Becks alcohol-free beer and Doritos. It was almost out of hand. Then the main event brought the house down. Soldiers got to take turns hitting the Osama and Saddam pinatas. This may have been the greatest Cinco de Mayo party of all time. I'd recommend the FOB Marez MWR Cinco de Mayo fiesta to all of my friends. Did I mention that they were handing out sombreros? If you weren't sold before I'll bet you are now. It was "ghetto fabulous"!

Footnote - FOB Marez

Actually this is more like an introduction than a footnote. However it is very important for everyone to note the tragic history of FOB Marez. While I focus on the humor of deployment, it should never be far removed from the reality that this is a war zone. That reality hit FOB Marez very hard in 2004. On 21 December 2004 a suicide bomber disguised as one of the TCNs blew himself up inside the old DFAC. The blast killed fourteen soldiers and four civilians. Scores more were wounded. Today a plaque at the entrance to the new DFAC honors those who died that tragic day.

04 May 2007: Mosey on up to Mosul

My apologies for the late posting! I know just how important this blog is to starting out your day. It is always top priority for me to have a new posting ready in time for your morning cup'o joe. Well today's update will be in time for your brunch. This entry comes from Mosul. The biggest reason I'm behind today is because I was up all night awaiting air transport. Hell I didn't even arrive in Mosul until 0430. Once our contact picked us up (me and two of my soldiers) it was close to breakfast time. Instead of hittin' the hay we decided to eat and perform our inspections afterward. But wait, I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me get back to talking of the 4th.

Friday the 4th... The big news in LSAA is the grand opening of "Spiderman 3" at the Sustainer Theater. It's practically impossible to get a seat on opening day. I thought I'd try to sneak in but no. Two hours before the movie started a long line snaked around the theater. In this heat? Forget it! I'll see the movie eventually. It will be showing every day for the next ten days or so. You folks back home better not spoil it for me.

So where did a trip to Mosul come from? I've got to work to earn my keep. It's time to travel again. This is where the adventures of the pax terminals start anew. Once again I found myself laying on a stinky folding cot waiting on a C130 that was running an hour late - make that two, no three, I mean four.... We were supposed to board at 2230 but it was after 0200 when we finally crammed on board. So now I find out what FOB Marez is all about.

I'm glad the 4th came and went. Next entry comes from FOB Marez. By the way, it had been raining here when we arrived. I don't even have to tell you what that means.

03 May 2007: What's in a day?

Well if we're talking about today it's an empty shell. I sat in front of my computer all morning, ate lunch, and then was back on the computer all afternoon. I took it upon myself to revise our team SOP (standard operating procedures) notebook (Army euphimism is "Battlebook"). Well that proved to be a much bigger task than I thought. Most of the memos and guidelines dated back to 2005. It seems the prior management of the team was reticent to open the book at all. I have to admit that I've been a little slow to look myself. Well now I'm knee-deep in SOP's. I can see why the battlebook was covered in dust. The memos are poorly written, outdated, and full of typo's. I can safely say that the team battlebook will be brand new when I'm finished. Hopefully my work doesn't result in carpel-tunnel syndrome. My next project will be something this team has never had - a continuity book. This is a very important record that keeps track of missions completed, personnel assigned, and other critical team data. It's called a continuity book because it assists new leadership to quickly understand the functions of the team. In other words, when I eventually leave and a new OIC arrives there will be no loss of continuity in the team's operations.

I found out that yesterday was the fourth anniversary of Ivy Tavern. Ah, my favorite neighborhood watering hole back home.... Congratulations Dave! May there be many, many more anniversaries. My regards to Angela, Maggie, Rob, Hutch, Thomas, Stacy, and Katy! Another shout goes out to all my regular friends - there's too many to mention. So long as I don't get extended I will definitely see you at the fifth anniversary.

Do you all remember just a few days back when it was pouring rain and cool? That was less than a week ago. Well the Iraq I remember is back. Temperatures are pushing 100 and climbing fast. We'll be roasting in no time! Now's a good time to go do another "pulse-check" of morale. That's right folks, watch for the next edition of "port-o-jon" humor. It's time to see what's on Joe's mind now that the temperatures are starting to soar. Stay tuned!

02 May 2007: Symphony in C-RAM minor

Insurgents are fair weather fans. When the weather clears, ground dries, and temperatures go up we can expect to hear from them more. So that means mortar attacks hear at LSAA have increased. It's the same old shit though - fortunately. They'll pop off a few unaimed rounds way beyond the range of their gun systems. The C-RAMs take care of the shots that seem to have a chance of doing damage. Well for the second night in a row I was rousted from my sleep by long bursts from the C-RAM. The system fires something like 3,000 rounds a minute and sounds like a loud buzz saw. The sound of the burst is shortly followed by the staccato rattle of the rounds exploding at a preset altitude. It reminds me of the crackling fireworks at a big 4th of July show. It's a comforting event in the daytime. At night when I'm asleep? It's a nuisance. It probably took me an hour to get back to sleep. An hour later it was time to get up. It must have had the same effect on most everyone else because there were a lot of grouchy faces this morning.

There's really no starting point to today. I was working in about five different directions. I've got team members leaving in the next few days to assist another unit in the north. I'll be leaving for a few days myself. So it boils down to completing paperwork, conducting PCI/PCC, briefing the chain-of-command, scheduling flights, making sure we've got a place to stay at the remote FOB and so forth and so on.... For the most part I felt as though I were in a daze today. It was mainly thanks to the symphony of the C-RAMs keeping me awake at night. I tried to sneak in a nap after lunch but it just didn't work.

Eventually I made great progress and once the team cleared out of the office I went to the gym. That always perks me up. A post workout trip to the DFAC was, at first, promising. On the menu was steak, lobster, scallops, shrimp, and other various side items. The lobster tails looked great. They've served them in the past and they weren't bad (I realize the DFAC isn't Carrie's on Douglas Ave - "Home of the 3lb Lobster"). Tonight it seems the lobsters were straight from the same factory that makes rubber chickens. Once I dragged the tail out of the shell I dipped it in butter and greatly anticipated the savory first bite. I might as well have bitten a rubber dog toy. It's unlikely my teeth even made an impression. My immediate thought was to drop it back to my plate but to do so would have necessitating picking it up off the floor (it would have bounced). So I gently returned the tail to my plate. Next I tackled the steak. Bites on the periphery were tender enough but the center was leather. Fortunately there was the salad bar. I filled up on cucumbers, carrots, onions, and some watermelon. It's very unusual for the DFAC chow to be the crap they served tonight. That made supper even more disappointing. Hopefully it isn't a foreboding sign of things to come. Weight loss is not on my agenda.

An ice cold Yuengling would've been perfect. I can still remember how one tastes.

01 May 2007: Walking down Hero's Highway

April ends, May begins. The new month promises to bring much hotter temperatures and dryer weather. Around here the "April showers" do not bring "May flowers". April showers bring mud. May flowers? If they exist here I haven't seen them. Even if they do exist they probably are weeds and induce hay fever. This is a harsh place.

May came with a bang too. I was awoken early in the morning by the sound of the C-RAM engaging incoming mortar rounds. That woke my neighbor too. He got up and started banging around in the bathroom. It was probably 30 minutes later that I finally went back to sleep. Unfortunately, I was rousted out of my sleep again about an hour later. Seems the TCNs were tasked with re-stacking sandbags around our trailers so they chose to start at about 0530. They were heaving the sandbags right up against the side of the trailer. The sound of a sandbag slamming against the wall got me up for good. Shortly after that the AF mechanics started testing F16 engines nearby. To the tune of tossed sandbags and jet engine afterburners I got up and made coffee. Hello to you too May.

The night before I had spoken to my AF friends - Ron, Ben, and Stephanie - from the hospital. They had invited me to come take a complete tour, possibly observing the transport of a patient to the flight line. I readily accepted the invite. Today around lunch time Ron stopped by to pick me up. I've been to the CSH before but today was different in that I got to see behind the scenes. I got a complete tour of the holding area for patients being staged for air transport to Kuwait or Germany. I met some of the nurses and physicians assistants. I also saw the storage areas where charitable donations to the hospital are kept - very impressive. From there we headed next door to the hospital. First we walked to the heliport and walked back through the aptly named "Hero's Hwy" tent tunnel leading to triage and surgery. The photo accompanying today's comments is the view patients see coming off the helicopters.

Once inside the hospital I was able to see the area where patients are manifested for flights to Germany or Kuwait. The whole hospital is comprised of interconnected tents but is equipped with the latest technology. It has a chapel, MWR, cafeteria, ICUs for soldiers, Iraqi civilians, captured insurgents, etc., X-ray, radiology, and every other department you'd expect to find. All of the ICUs had patients. I wasn't able to go into the units holding Iraqi civilians or insurgents. I was able to go speak with soldiers and civilian contractors in one of the ICUs. There were both combat and non-combat conditions being treated. I spoke with an AF military working dog handler who had taken shrapnel from a mortar round in his leg. He was eager to return to duty and to be reunited with his dog. Fortunately, the dog wasn't with him at the time he was wounded. I also spoke with two civilian contractors who had been wounded in a rocket attack on the Green Zone. As bad as it could have been, all of these individuals will return to duty after minor rehab. I sincerely thanked them for their service and sacrifice. They were all very eager to return to work. We left the hospital shortly afterward. It was a much appreciated tour. Ron and the gang asked if I'd like to volunteer to assist on the flight line sometime with loading patients. I enthusiastically said yes. Later I asked my team and they all volunteered as well. If we get a call we'll go help.

The rest of the day was spent biding time. I chose not to work out. Hey I can take a day off every now and then. It isn't like I'm out of shape or getting fat. The real motivating factor was that my friend Dave down in Kuwait had forwarded me the newest episode of Sopranos. It's the final 9 episodes! So after supper I got comfortable back in the hooch and had a private Sopranos party. I won't comment on the episode though. You'll just have to watch yourself. Don't worry Dave, I'll return the disk. Thanks for sending it to me. I eagerly await the next episode.

Welcome May! Now, hurry up and be June already!