31 May 2007: Goodbye May!

And so May comes to a close…. Hello June! It’s a great feeling to have another month down. There was nothing spectacular about the last day of May either. That’s pretty much the theme of the entire month – nothing spectacular. It started with a trip to FOB Marez. Once I returned from that trip I never set foot off of LSAA the rest of the month. It’s hard to keep the team focused when there’s little to do. I think we managed well enough all things considered.

An event over supper epitomized the attitude that sets in with routine. Just after I had filled my tray and was about to sit the IDF attack alarm sounded. This wasn’t the standard announcement. The siren sounded signaling that there was incoming. How did everyone react? Have you read the story of “The Little Boy who cried Wolf?” Imagine all the soldiers in the DFAC were the townspeople and the siren was the boy. All the Joes looked around with a “whatever” look and kept right on eating. There were a couple of AF dudes who got up and ran outside to the shelter. Another couple (AF again) got under their table. After a while they looked around in bewilderment at all the Joes. Then they cautiously got back up in their seats and continued eating. What did I do? I sat down, ate my supper, and watched “The Colbert Report” while awaiting the all clear. About forty minutes later the all clear sounded. That was the cue for everyone to get up and leave.

Earlier in the day I saw some graffiti in the port-o-jon that made me laugh. It comes from one of the bravado “my service is better than yours” types. This time it came from a Marine. Remember, this is quoted exactly as it was written.

“I need some pussy! Oh wait, never mind. The Army just walked by. Ooooohraah! Simpre Fi Mother Fuckers!”

I guess the Marine didn’t learn how to spell slogans in basic training. He loves his Corps though. That’s obvious.

Goodbye May! Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out!

30 May 2007: Light at the end of May

May is one of the months of the year that seem to be longer than all the other months. Maybe it’s just me, but May seems as though it has five or six extra days. It doesn’t matter if I’m busy or not. May just drags on forever. Yet there’s light at the end of the tunnel. The arrival of June is a foregone conclusion. With June comes a busy training calendar. I’ve already got several events scheduled that will have me traveling around again. June, unlike May, always seems to fly by. Given my busy schedule, I’m happy to report that June will sprint past at record pace. I’m eager to be busy again.

At some point you must’ve wondered why my team was so busy but our activities came to a screeching halt. The easiest (and generic) way to explain is summed up in one word – extensions. That’s right. Everything my team does is tied directly to the redeployment process of units here in country. When everyone got extended it pushed our schedule back a couple of months. That left a bunch of dead space on our calendar. I’ve been working diligently to fill in the time with courtesy missions assisting units here at LSAA. It’s petty work though and certainly doesn’t fill up entire weeks. Within a couple of months we will be back in business. My whole team is looking forward to being back out serving the warfighters. Just like any other soldiers we place mission first. That’s why we can’t wait to get back out and pursue our actual mission.

How did we fill in time today? Fortunately, I was able to schedule some courtesy inspections of containers for a unit here at LSAA. That gave my team something to do for most of the day. We’ll be conducting an internal training exercise over the weekend that’s designed to keep our skills sharp. I spent a good portion of today reviewing the training plan. I also conducted a “Leader’s Recon” of a training site for one of our future missions. It’s with an armored cavalry unit here at LSAA. That gave me a chance to meet some new folks. I also got to see inside their HQ building which was very cool. Being the LTC, I always get a pseudo-VIP tour.

My main event for the evening was to chill back in the room with some old-school classic comedy. I watched “This is Spinal Tap”. I’ve seen it many times. The movie rules.

29 May 2007: Dog Days?

Man it's simply too early in the game for the days to start dragging by. Dog days of summer aren't supposed to be until the last few weeks of the season. Today was a slow, tortuous, and mundane episode of repititious activities. Every workday we have two meetings - one at 0900 and another at 1700. It's rare that information changes in the time between meetings so they are always repeats. However, they represent the "work whistles" of a day not on mission. At 0900 we start the grind. 1700 the whistle blows again and we go back to our hooches, off to chow, head to the gym, or whatever else seems like a good way to start the evening. I can't express how thankful I am that this "Groundhog Day" grind is only temporary. My team and I will be getting back into action real soon.

There was no real highlight of the day. I considered going to the Sustainer Theater to see "Shrek the Third". However, based on the reviews from my team I decided not to waste my time. That meant I wasted my time playing Zuma for awhile. I also made a trip over to the west side to buy a few things at the PX. Just like the last time I drove over there I had to wait for quite some time for a convoy to clear the road.

This was definitely a day I was daydreaming of home. I'm sure the rest of my team was doing the same thing. We're all eager to get back out to the FOBs and start helping the warfighters again. That's what we're here for. Knowing that makes slow days even slower. It's all temporary though. Thank God!

28 May 2007: Happy Memorial Day!

What is Memorial Day? Some view it as the first official weekend of summer. Others just see it as a long weekend. Many will enjoy it as a time to be with family or vacation. But what is it really all about? Why do we have Memorial Day? It’s very simple. Since the founding of our nation over a million men and women have given their lives in preserving the freedoms we enjoy today. From the Revolutionary War to today’s ongoing war against terror, men and women of every background have given themselves to something greater than themselves. Even as I write this it is likely that a fellow service member may be paying the ultimate sacrifice here in Iraq, in Afghanistan, or somewhere else in the world. I’m not going to get into a political or war debate here. All I’m asking is that you treat Memorial Day for what it is – a day to honor all of the heroes who’ve given their lives for you. They gave their lives so that you could have your own opinion, belong to the political party of your choosing, pursue your dreams in whatever your chosen field, and travel freely throughout our nation to enjoy this long weekend. There is no country in the world as prosperous in freedom as the United States. Likewise, there is no country in the history of the world that has given so generously to the people of other nations around the globe as the United States. Our great nation has persevered for over 200 years because of those we honor on Memorial Day. Today is not a day of protest. It is simply a day of solitude to remember why we have the right to express our gratitude freely. Remember them, honor them, and treasure their sacrifices.

While you are enjoying this Memorial Day weekend also keep in mind that the men and women deployed are focused on their jobs at hand. To them it’s just another day. Although we paused for remembrance today, the work continued. It was not a day off, a day of barbeques, or a day of fun at the beach. Memorial Day, as with every other day of the year, is another day where we face down our enemies and ensure that our generation will preserve our great nation for the next. So please, take just a small moment out of Memorial Day and remember what it’s all about.

Dedicated to the memory of every soldier, sailor, airman, marine, coast guardsman, merchant marine, civilian contractor, and volunteer who have laid their lives at the altar of freedom for our nation throughout its history. May you and your families be at peace for all eternity. Well done thou good and faithful servant.

27 May 2007: Twenty years ago today....

As hard as I find it to believe it’s true. Twenty years ago today I graduated from West Point. It was a rainy day and my class was worried we’d have to hold the ceremony indoors. Fortunately the weather cooperated just enough and my classmates and I took our places at Michie Stadium for the time-honored ceremony. There were over 1000 of us. General Wickham was our speaker (a disappointment, as we had hoped for President Reagan). When the ceremony came to a close we rose and took the oath of commissioned office. After four years of cadet rigors we were ready to go out and become the leaders we had trained to be. We would now do so as Second Lieutenants in the Army. It was the culmination we had dreamed of for so long. The world was very different then. If someone had told me that twenty years later I would be in Iraq I would have rolled my eyes in disbelief. It’s amusing to look at how different the world today is from what we faced then.

Twenty years ago…..

- Our enemy was the Soviet Union. The Cold War was still going strong. Our biggest fear was the Commie horde coming across the Fulda Gap in Germany. Today it’s the rise of militant Islam, nuclear proliferation, and the growing military power of China.
- The active Army had 18 divisions and many more independent brigades. Today there are only ten divisions and they are stretched pretty thin.
- Germany’s currency was the Deutschmark, Italy had the Lire, and France used the Franc. Now they’ve all been replaced by the Euro.
- Countries like Poland, Czechoslovakia, Romania, and Hungary were part of the Warsaw Pact (and our enemies). Need I say more?
- Iraq and Iran were at war. The Soviets occupied Afghanistan. Libya was the big terror threat. By the way, do any of you know the primary reason Iraq invaded Kuwait in 1989? Don’t worry, I’ll tell you. Kuwait and many of the other Middle East nations had loaned Iraq huge sums of money to wage its war against Iran. When the war ended Iraq started defaulting on loans. Kuwait refused to renegotiate its loan to Iraq (which was considerable). Saddam Hussein decided to invade Kuwait (claiming a territorial dispute). The real reason was that Iraq couldn’t pay back the money. I guess if you can’t pay back the bank just rob it instead.
- A Sony Walkman CD player was state of the art.
- I was branched Armor. Now I’m Transportation.
- My favorite NFL team was the Houston Oilers.
- Cell phones were giant car devices that only rich people could afford.
- You could always tell the military guys from everyone else because they had short hair.
- Al Gore hadn’t yet invented the internet.
- The Milwaukie Brewers were still in the American League.
- MTV still aired music videos.
- Army football was good, regularly won the Commander-in-Chief’s Trophy, and went to bowl games.

Twenty years gone by and it just doesn’t seem like it. Hell I’m even a lifetime member of Veterans of Foreign Wars. What a difference a little passing of time can make. Happy twentieth anniversary Class of 1987! Our Country We Strengthen. Go Dukes! (“We can’t all be Dukes, sorry!”)

26 May 2007: Body Odor in the DFAC

In the regular workplace a Saturday has significance. Around here it doesn’t really mean anything to the majority of Joes. They just go on about their work. It isn’t uncommon for people to lose track of days of the week. It doesn’t really matter if it’s a long weekend either. Although we are in the midst of Memorial Day weekend, for most of the people here it’s just days on the calendar. That doesn’t mean that we won’t acknowledge Memorial Day. It just doesn’t represent that first long weekend of summer the way it does back in the states. Fortunately, my team has the luxury of enjoying some normalcy this weekend. As I mentioned before, we are in the lull before the storm. I told my team to leave as soon as they finished whatever tasks they were chasing. Most of them left around 1500 to see “Shrek The Third” at the Sustainer. I declined the invite. I figured I’d wait for their review and go see it when the theater is less crowded.

Instead I paid homage to routine. I went to the gym and got my workout on. I’m discovering more and more that you simply can’t drink enough water around here. You’ll sweat out fluid as fast as you can put it in. Every time I complete my workout I’m soaked in sweat and dripping. It’s as though I jumped in the pool. That’s including the fact that the gym is air conditioned. There are some psychos who run outdoors. In this heat it’s practically insane. I’ll take the AC option any day.

After showering I hit the DFAC for supper. Unfortunately, somebody sitting near me hadn’t showered. As soon as I sat down to eat I started to smell body odor. It wasn’t a constant aroma. However, it was just enough to be nauseating. Every time I went for a bite of chow the smell would invade my nostrils. Eventually I gave up. I lost my appetite. Looking around, I tried to figure out who the culprit was. There were too many suspects to pinpoint the source. Oh well, I wasn’t that hungry. I’ll make up for it at Sunday breakfast.

Memorial Day weekend continues……

25 May 2007: Rosie validates my theory

A few weeks ago I spent some time expressing my thoughts on how people abuse “support our troops” to justify any comment that follows (or precedes). Perhaps it’s just a theory, but if you pay attention you’ll see those three words being used in the most ridiculous ways. Rosie O’Donnell is the latest to hide behind the smoke screen. Quite frankly, there’s nobody who despises the troops more than her. She proved it this week on “The View” and then validated my theory by exclaiming “there’s nobody that supports our troops more than me!” Well let me take a close look at this Rosie. On the program you suggested (insinuated, implied, etc.) that the Americans in Iraq are the terrorists. I heard what you said, as everyone else did who saw the replay of your rant this week. Your message was very clear – you think Americans (as in American soldiers, since we’re the ones shouldering the burden) are the terrorists. I applaud Elisabeth Hasselback for confronting you on this. Normally you get to just run your big mouth without anyone objecting. Once confronted, you then immediately ran behind the words “I support our troops”. Does that mean you support terrorists? Because according to your logic the soldiers are the terrorists. Rosie you are a walking contradiction. Don’t even suggest to me – or any other man or woman in uniform – that you support us. The air immediately starts smelling like the shit that’s pouring from your mouth. I have a recommendation for you Rosie. Stop now while you’re behind. If you keep putting your foot in your mouth the way you did this week you will be considered the Jane Fonda of this generation. There’s not anyone on this planet that believes you support the troops (especially you). Don’t hide behind those three words again.

Let me clarify something – I’m not a fan of “The View”. I’ve never watched the show. But this whole Hasselback – O’Donnell flap has been all over the news the past few days. Every soldier in Iraq has become an Elisabeth Hasselback fan after what happened. As for Rosie? I don’t know anyone who liked her in the first place. Don’t worry Rosie. You don’t support us and we certainly don’t support you.

It was obviously a slow day if I’m talking about this stuff. After being bombarded with this in the news I had to weigh-in on the subject (no pun intended). Go back and read my blog entry “The Feel-Good of Support Our Troops”. Then compare my theory to what Rosie O’Donnell said this week. Rosie supports the troops? Yeah, like I’ve got a bridge in Brooklyn I can sell you cheap.

All this comes on the eve of Memorial Day weekend too.

24 May 2007: "Mandatory Fun"

It’s a common practice for commanders to plan for morale building events. Normally this involves some type of event like a softball or volleyball game. Everyone is required to be there. For that reason, we always call such an event “Mandatory Fun”. We had just that type of event today. My team is attached to a battalion here at Anaconda. Their commander decided to have mandatory fun today. It was a game of water volleyball at the LSAA pool. So at about 1030 we closed our shop and everyone headed to the pool. Although it was fun (and a welcome break), it only proved that we haven’t been playing much water volleyball. We sucked. My team took on the command section from the battalion. We lost three out of four games. It didn’t help that the bottom of the LSAA pool is slick as ice. No excuse though, we just couldn’t get it together.

Now in the Army we always live by the rule “Safety First”. With that in mind, everyone was reminded to wear sunscreen. I did and was thankful too. Not many others did. They paid the price. The sun here is blistering. Being in the pool only provided a deception. I heard a lot of people saying things like “I know my limit” or “I never sunburn”. Right! Later in the day there were a lot of burned lobsters on my team. By 1700 their faces were beet red and sweaty. They were moving painfully slow as well. As for me? I was fine. I had covered myself from head to toe in sunscreen. Perhaps my soldiers have learned a lesson.

After mandatory fun ended I told my team that they could stay in PT uniform the rest of the day. For some strange reason, I was the only person that did. Once I got back to the office it was around 1500. As there wasn’t much work to do for the team, I let them set up the “in-focus” and watch a movie. They elected to watch “Million Dollar Baby”. Meanwhile I continued working on some training plans for upcoming events. We wrapped up at 1700.

That’s about all that’s fit to print for today. I’m now the team chief of a bunch of red lobsters. Iraqi summer sun doesn’t screw around. Remember that if you’re ever here. Today’s safety message – Always wear sunscreen!

23 May 2007: Mutant Crab Legs

Are any of you paying attention to the temperature here? If you aren’t just take a look from time to time. We’re up to about 115 today and climbing. LSAA is only a couple of weeks away from the blast furnace highs of a normal Iraqi summer. That’s great because it’s just in time for missions to start again. It’s a beautiful feeling to enjoy these temperatures wearing a full compliment of body armor, weapons, basic load of ammo, and other gear. Now I push 155 soaking wet out of the shower. Add everything else and I’m up to about 240. Throw in 120 plus temps and I’m good to go. Seriously, when I see the soldiers carrying about their business in this heat I swell with pride. Joes are amazing. They work hard, understand teamwork, watch out for one another, and never skip a beat of humor while working in the worst of conditions. I don’t want to sound cliché but I have to point out something. Joes are forged through their experience into a brotherhood that simply can’t be understood by those who’ve never served. A platoon of Joes holds closer bonds than most families. Generation after generation has seen the forging of the warrior comradeship. Yet every generation has seen that it is a warrior elite. We’re not an elite because of money, race, beliefs, or religion. We are elite because there are so few of us. We accept the difficult tasks of being a soldier, of placing service to country above ourselves, of understanding that we may pay the ultimate price. We also went through the hardship together. In the Shakespeare play “Henry V”, King Henry delivers a speech to his army on the eve of battle at Agincourt. In his speech he speaks of “we few, we merry few”. Right before your eyes it’s happening again for a very small slice of a generation of Americans. I’m glad to be a part of this – and thankful. My father spent 23 years in the Marines. Often he would provide his mentorship to my officer development. His words were golden wisdom but for so long I just couldn’t quite grasp what he spoke of. I get it now. I’m very proud to be just another generation of my family that understands.

How did my day go? Uneventful is the best word. What was the highlight? The menu for supper included fried catfish and crab legs. The crab legs were fuckin’ mutant! They were as long as my dinner tray (I’m not kidding). When the TCN handed my plate to me he started laughing at the ridiculous sight. Here’s a regular plate that has normal portions of food except for two crab legs that extend at least six inches off the plate on either side. I’m glad the crab was dead. I can’t imagine tangling with this mutant crustacean. It just had to be the one time I don’t have my camera with me. None of you will believe this story. I was here, you weren’t. So there!

22 May 2007: "Lieutenant Dan! Ice Cream!"

Celebrities come to visit the troops on a pretty regular basis. Normally it’s actors or musicians. Occasionally it’s the actor who thinks he’s a musician. We were visited by one today. Gary Sinise stopped by. You know him from CSI NY. Most troops know him as “Lieutenant Dan” of Forrest Gump fame. He has his own band. It’s named (you guessed it) “The LT Dan Band”. Fortunately LT Dan left his band behind this time. He’s been known to tour around the war zone frequently. FYI – another actor who thinks he’s a musician is Bruce Willis. He has his own band and tours around military installations as well. Now before you get the idea I’m being critical let me set the record straight. I’m glad celebrities come visit the soldiers. It really is a morale boost. I hope they continue to do so. I’m just being sarcastic about the musical talents of some of the visitors. Then again, they have more musical talent than me so perhaps I’m also envious.

Ok so Gary Sinise came to visit LSAA today. At lunchtime he was at DFAC 1 to sign autographs and meet the soldiers. I guess there were a lot more fans than I thought. The place was mobbed. There was a very long line to see him. Even members of my team wanted to meet him. “Sir, we just want to call him LT Dan!” I heard one of my soldiers exclaim. Another had a plan to get him ice cream and say, “LT Dan! I brought you some ice cream!” Soldiers are goofy. It left me wondering how many times Mr. Sinise has heard those lines.

I avoided the scene. Instead I opted for a takeout lunch and went back to the AC comfort of my hooch. I never did find out if my soldiers met LT Dan.

Later in the day I took a drive to west LSAA to check out their PX. It’s much nicer, cleaner, and better stocked than the one on east Anaconda. I didn’t buy anything though. I’m really a cheap bastard when I’m deployed and can go for weeks without spending any money. After departing the PX I passed a staging area where a convoy was forming to head out somewhere. The scene always reminds me of the movie “The Road Warrior”. Normally a convoy is Army security and a bunch of contract trucks. The Army security is standardized equipment – armored cars, armored humvees, gun trucks, etc. It’s the contracted trucks that are reminiscent of Road Warrior. Their trucks are the normal civilian big rigs. However, they are all up-armored in some of the craziest fashions. You’ll see everything from bolted on boiler plates to standard Kevlar and steel kits. The windows are covered with heavy-gauge wire mesh. There are angled deflector plates, hillbilly armor, and anything else added that may afford protection. Then the cabs of the trucks are personalized with weird looking tapestries of ornate colors, tassels, and other crazy ornamental fixtures. The fronts of the trucks are emblazoned with fake Mercedes logos, steer horns, or whatever else the driver thinks looks tough. It is one surreal scene to see a convoy pull out of Anaconda.

AFN was showing the movie “I, Robot” for about the twentieth time since I’ve been here. I guess someone thinks it’s a great flick. It just meant another evening of burning the time doing something else. That’s just about true for every night.

21 May 2007: Gym parking and a stupid game called "Zuma"

First I have to apologize to everyone. I gave a difficult link for “Squeakers the Hamster”. I’ll correct it on yesterday’s blog but to save you scrolling down I’ll give it here as well. Squeakers and all his OPSEC commercials can be found at http://www.afneurope.net/heidelberg/Article.asp?t=p&id=318846

Now let me get on with today’s zaniness. Truth is, there wasn’t really any. At least there’s nothing about today that struck me as a highlight. My team is all back together now. I had a soldier down in Kuwait for the past few weeks. He’s back. I spent most of my workday planning some upcoming missions. Unfortunately, that requires sitting at my desk for long stretches at a time. If I closed my eyes I could have been back in my office in Providence. The occasional announcement from the command post of an indirect fire attack would break up that daydream. It’s a recorded message. Here’s how it goes –

“This is the command post. This is the command post. There has been an indirect fire attack. Post attack reconnaissance teams are directed to conduct UXO check. All other personnel are released. All personnel are to remain vigilant for UXOs. All clear, all clear, all clear. Command post, out.”

It’s so mundane that hardly anyone ever even notices. It reminds us that we aren’t back home though. At least I don’t ever remember hearing that announcement back at PC.

After work I changed into PT uniform and headed over to the gym. As I pulled in and parked I found the lot almost full. Parking at the gym means finding a space among up-armored humvees, armored cars, gun trucks, and other NTVs. I found a space alongside a couple of convoy security armored cars. That’s my Admiral you see in the photo. I didn’t catch the name of the owners of the two armored cars.

After I settled in for the evening I found myself playing “Zuma” for a couple of hours. It’s a goofy game with a frog that shoots colored balls out of his mouth. I won’t describe more than that. You’ve either played it or you haven’t. For those of you who know Zuma, I’m stuck on level nine. As a matter of fact, I just finished playing. I got so frustrated I had to stop. I was running the risk of waking up my neighbor with all the disgusted cussing I was doing. Stupid game!

Getting back out on mission is going to be great.

20 May 2007: Do nothing Sunday...

Sunday and no mission…. What do I do? How do I spend a day off in Balad? Do you really want to know? Honestly folks, it was pretty boring. I can’t say that it’s something I’ll be sharing with the grandkids in about thirty years. The day was just a collection of random musings. I woke up around 0800, had my coffee, and went to breakfast. Just for good measure I caught up on some of my paperwork from the office. It was blistering hot out so I decided the pool was a no go. Besides, I’m working on a whole week without any run-ins with the Sergeant Major. I did go to the MWR to fight with a shitty internet connection for about an hour. It took that long to post my blog entry. I’m not happy about the blog getting filtered by the LSAA server. Oh well… I just can’t stress about things I don’t control. The rest of my day consisted of a nap, a workout, chow, and a phone call home.

While surfing the net I discovered something I hope all of you will check out. I’ve mentioned before that our TV is provided by AFN Europe. I alluded to “Squeakers the Hamster” in a prior blog. Since it’s impossible for me to do him justice, I’ve found a way for you to experience Squeakers for real. Go to http://www.afneurope.net/. From their home page you can click on Squeakers. There you will find all six of Squeakers’ OPSEC commercials. I can’t help but laugh every time I watch one. They are ridiculous! Be forewarned – the commercials aren’t cartoons. They use real animals. I’m just not sure why the cat is always the bad guy.

Eventually the day off came to a close. Congratulations to all the new PC graduates! I hope the ceremony was memorable. I couldn’t help but notice that the weather in Providence sucked all weekend. It was sunny and hot here the whole time.

19 May 2007: What ever happened to "Army of One"?

As long as we aren’t out on mission we can always expect to end work early on Saturdays. Today was no real exception. Our first order of business was “command maintenance”. The Army is very good at keeping equipment in good running order. That’s why even today you’ll find Vietnam-era 2 ½ ton trucks (“deuce and a half”) still running just fine here at LSAA. By that I’m not implying that the Army is struggling with outdated equipment – to the contrary. You can rest assured that tax dollars are stretched a long way on Army equipment. Everyone – regardless of rank – is taught the importance of performing preventive maintenance checks and services (PMCS) on all equipment. Command maintenance is a regularly scheduled event where all personnel bring vehicles to a central location to complete and turn-in maintenance paperwork. It’s also when dispatches for the vehicles are renewed. That’s a mouthful just to say we checked the oil in our Admirals.

Once maintenance was completed I told my team to take off as soon as they finished whatever task they were focused on. I had planned to take off immediately after lunch. Unfortunately my attendance at some afternoon meetings was required. I have to attend a lot of meetings. I let everyone else leave though. In the meantime I discovered that the ever-encroaching cloud of firewalls has now overtaken my blog. While waiting for my meeting to start I attempted to update my Friday entry. LSAA server now blocks my blog. This means I have to make a special trip to the MWR to use their computers. MWR utilizes a different server. So after my meetings I cruised to the MWR, signed up on the list, and took a seat alongside some Joes to await my turn. The server was slow as hell. It took me the entire half-hour limit to log on and post the entry.

As I left the MWR I had to take a piss-break. Thank god I did. Inside the port-o-jon I found the answer to a great mystery. I, along with many of my comrades, had been wondering what happened to the “Army of One” slogan. It disappeared almost as soon as it began – replaced by “Army Strong”. I should have known that I only needed to ask Joe. I guess a lot of people had been asking about the defunct slogan. Joe, being tired of getting asked repeatedly, decided to post the answer inside the portable shitter for all to see. Thank you Joe! The mystery is now solved. Your logic on this matter is irrefutable. I will now reveal to all of you Joe’s answer to the question “what ever happened to Army of One?” (Joe’s exact quote, no translation required)

“We are an Army Strong only because Chuck Norris is the only autherised ‘Army of One’”

Someone ungrateful of Joe had posted a subsequent comment immediately below the pearl of wisdom. It read as follows:

“Why is it that everywhere I go, there are people who don’t know how to spell who insist on writing on the port a potty walls?”

What’s my answer to this? Nobody said you have to know how to spell to have wisdom. Joe’s wisdom ranks with Aristotle, Socrates, and Benjamin Franklin. He always knows the answer. He always provides blunt honesty. Yet again Joe cleared up the fog of war for me. With my bladder emptied I got on with the rest of my day. What happened to “Army of One”? Chuck Norris – duh! It’s yet another V8 moment. Thanks Joe!

18 May 2008: Cops in Balad

As crazy as it may sound, there are traffic police at LSAA. Their purpose is to enforce speed limits and other traffic laws. The main road on East LSAA goes north-south and has a divider. At various intervals there are openings in the divider to make turns. Some of the openings have "no U-turn" signs. I'm sure you've figured out that I must've violated a traffic law. Yep.... I was headed south and needed to go north. So I did the logical thing and made a U-turn. In no time at all I had a bluelight SUV coming up behind me. After making my way through a traffic circle I pulled over and waited. Out of the SUV steps a diminutive AF sergeant. When he gets to my window I ask, "can I help you?" He replies, "Sir, there are no U-turns authorized on this road. I saw you make an illegal U-turn." I decided to act dumb. "Really? No U-turns? I wasn't aware of that. If I'd known I certainly wouldn't have done that." With a perplexed look he replied, "Well sir there are signs posted." Of course I denied knowledge of this. "I'm sorry, I didn't see any signs. I guess I just wasn't paying attention." I guess he'd had enough at this point. "Ok sir, just keep it in mind. No U-turns allowed. Have a good day." He then saluted. I returned the salute and said, "thanks for doing your job. You have a good day as well. Stay safe." After I drove on I wondered what authority the sergeant actually had. He didn't take any information, didn't write any ticket, and didn't ask to see anything of me. I guess it's just a courtesy. You can bet I won't make any more U-turns. Well at least not any if there are other cars around.

That was the highlight of the day. Somehow I managed to run afoul of the AF once again. I'm becoming convinced they have it out for me. Sometimes the war seems very far removed from LSAA. If it weren't for the daily mortar attacks and lack of beer I'd be convinced I'm back at some stateside installation. Well it's also a lot dirtier than any military post I've seen.

Today was commissioning day for the seniors back at PC Army ROTC. I congratulate all of the new Second Lieutenants. My thoughts are with you. You are all ready and have earned the right to join the officer corps. I look forward to seeing many of you down range. I know that you will all do an excellent job. It's been my privilege and honor to work with each of you. Godspeed!

17 May 2007: 9mm Range

Smith Range is an old bunker at the north end of LSAA. It's open at one end and filled with dirt to catch bullets. There's a series of hescos (dirt filled wire-mesh baskets) that form barriers around the range. Regardless of weapon (9mm, M4, M16) the targets are 25 meters away from the shooter. Silhouette sizes are varied to simulate varying distances. With the 9mm we fire scenarios from the standing, crouch, kneeling, and prone positions. It basically boils down to this - 40 rounds fired at a 25 meter target. The qualification is based on the total number of hits. I must say that the unit running the range today wasn't very well organized. The safety briefing was nothing more than asking who was ready to fire. Some of the magazines provided to us had the wrong number of rounds for the given scenarios. When we finished firing nobody was "rodding off the range" (a process where a cleaning rod is run down the barrel with the weapon bolt to the rear. It ensures there are no rounds in the chamber). I was not happy with the conduct of the range at all. Fortunately I didn't have to stay there long. Since I got there early I was on the first firing order. Twenty minutes later I was leaving the range. By my observation I qualified expert (37/40). The range NCOIC handed the score card off to my unit. Normally I enjoy the range but today was different. They gave us the option of shooting more but I declined. Some of my team elected to stay and pop off a few more rounds (that's one of them shooting in the photo). That was cool with me.

It was a dreary day. I can't figure the weather here. Just a few days ago I was lamenting the heat. Today it was cool and damp. By damp I mean the "dirt rain". After shooting I was content with hanging out in my office the rest of the day. By the time I went to the gym there was a steady drizzle of slimy rain.

This is one dreary posting isn't it? On the optimistic view this was another day complete. I got to scratch another day off the calender. It felt great to climb into the "fart sack" at the end of it all. "NFL Live" was on AFN sports so I settled in to watch. Instead I fell asleep maybe five minutes into the show. I woke up a couple of hours later to find the TV still on. Day over! Next!

16 May 2007: It's raining dirt

You read that correct. The sky opened up today for several hours and it rained into the evening. Spectacular lightning arced across the sky. The problem is that it's so dusty here that even the drops of rain were full of dirt. It wouldn't be a good idea to stick your tongue out to catch a few drops. I've never seen gritty, dirty drops of rain such as this. Even after several hours of intermittent showers the rain continued to coat everything with slimy dirt. My Admiral became coated with a varying thickness of grime - thanks to rain! It's also so dry here that even though it rained for hours the ground dried almost as soon as it ended. What a place! Soldiers in the field can't even take a "whore bath" (the art of stripping naked in the rain to wash) in this because they'll just become dirtier than when they started. This may actually be the most "Joe unfriendly" climate I've ever experienced. By that I mean the weather (no political or ideological opinion implied).

My team has pistol qualification coming up the next two days. We spent half of today in weapons training to get ready. I like the fact that around here we qualify every other month. It keeps us fresh and familiar with our sidearms. I also find it a good release to pop off a few rounds at the range. 9mm isn't much but it's fun to shoot.

Since we were experiencing a day of dirty rain I tried to stay indoors. That's not too hard to do. Besides, there's AC indoors. That's a necessity around here. At the end of the day I tried to watch AFN but there wasn't anything entertaining on (unless you wanted to watch "The Batchelor - Officer and a Gentleman", CNN Crossfire, "Attack of the Show", or yet another terrible Tom Cruise film - "The Last Samurai"). Some other time I tell you about the AFN commercials - my favorite being Sqeakers the Hamster and his OPSEC lessons.

Range fire tomorrow! I'm looking forward to that.

15 May 2007: Hmmm....

... Damn it's quiet around here. Here at mid-May life has become so routine that it's almost dulled my senses. As I reflect on the day I'm coming up with large patches of blank space. I know there were events that took place but what? Most of my day was a continuation of updating the "Battle Book" and our mission tracking board. I don't even remember there being any mortar attacks today. It was just quiet. So I'm left with nothing to write. Instead I just sit and ponder the day. A beer would be nice. General Order #1 stands in the way of that.

I'm very glad knowing that my team will be busy again soon. If every day was like today a deployment could kill a person from boredom. It would also put blog readers around the world to sleep. I hope I haven't done that to all of you.

I will admit that yesterday I jumped the gun and declared it Dad's birthday. Right now everyday seems the same so I lost track of dates. I had to go back and edit yesterday's entry. I've got it straight this time. Happy Birthday LT COOL!!

14 May 2007: Hot and getting hotter...

To say it's hot around here is an understatement. Anyone who's deployed here before knows exactly what I'm talking about. It's only May but the temperatures are already soaring above 110. By July it will be so hot outside that you can only work for short stretches at a time (try 15 minutes or so). If you'd really like to understand what it's like I have a suggestion that will provide some level of example. Turn your oven on broil. Let it heat for at least 15 minutes. Then open the door and stick your head right outside the opening. That blistering heat you feel radiating on your face is the type of heat that encompasses your entire body around here. It's staggering. Temperatures of 135 or more are not unheard of. It was hot today. According to the LSAA webpage it reached 115. I'll be longing for that cool a temperature come July.

Fortunately, I didn't need to be outside much today. This may have been one of the most boring days yet. We're just marking time waiting for the next mission. I thought about taking the opportunity to get out and about LSAA looking for some good blog material. The heat changed my mind. I'm fine in my office thank you. Besides, it's when I'm not looking for good material that I find something good.

This country is full of good material. You'll know about it when I find it.

13 May 2007: Flash to Bang - Sergeant Major style

Everybody should be familiar with the concept of "flash to bang". It's a method of determining distance based on the separation time between light and sound. If you've seen the movie "Poltergeist" then you'll remember the boy counting seconds from the flash of lightning to the sound of the thunder. We use it all the time in the Army. It's very useful in determining the distance of observed artillery or mortar fire. There's another type of "flash to bang". It's the delay from being observed in public violating some type of petty regulation to getting corrected by a Sergeant Major (SGM).

SGM's live to memorize regulations, policy memorandums, Command directives, and any other type of rule that Joe could possibly violate. They then become the stealthy enforcers, always on the lookout to lay waste to unsuspecting Joes. It may be failing to display a reflective belt (refer to my 11 May entry), sunglasses in the PX, headgear not removed fast enough in the DFAC, shoelace that's untucked on the boot, and the list goes on. Believe me if Joe is in violation SGM will pounce. Rarely is the flash to bang more than about 30 seconds. Rank does not make you immune either. I know this first hand. I experienced SGM-style flash to bang today. The story goes something like this.....

Ah Sunday.... My day off.... It was very sunny, very hot, and I had nothing to do. I decided to check out the pool. The LSAA pool is a fine facility. It's Olympic sized with diving platforms. Since it was Sunday I expected the place to be completely packed. It was. As a matter of fact, there were so may heads bobbing around it resembled the Ganges. At first I didn't expect to find a chair. However as I walked around to the far side a Joe got up and left. I pounced on the empty chair and settled in for a few minutes of lounging. Once I had laid down I reached down and pulled out my iPod. It took me less than a minute to put in my earpieces, turn it on, select music, and close my eyes. Within ten seconds of closing my eyes there was a tap on my shoulder. I opened them to see a SGM hovering over me. He was in his ACUs and wearing his sidearm. I said, "yes SGM?" He responds, "sir, iPods are not authorized at this facility." As I'm taking my iPod off and placing it back under the chair he continues. "Sir, MNF-I (Multi-National Force Iraq) policy memorandum xx-xxx (he actually quoted the number I just can't remember it - not a SGM) states that the use of portable stereo devices is not authorized in...." Simply stunned and incredulous at how fast he had pounced on me I held my hand up and exclaimed, "SGM! I got it! I'm putting it up!" Fortunately, he did not continue to recite the memorandum. Instead he simply said "thank you, sir" and walked away. He then walked to the other side of the pool where he eyed me suspiciously for about the next ten minutes. Eventually he left but I did not even think about pulling the iPod back out. I'm convinced he vanished into a hide position from which to pounce. I guess I learned my lesson. Flash to bang time? Less than 30 seconds. SGM was within his normal operating range for rule violators. I took comfort in knowing that all was well at the pool. We were all safer thanks to SGM. Silly me - I should have known better.

I could only take about 45 minutes at the Ganges. It was too hot, too crowded, and I had already been labeled a trouble maker. I gathered my gear and walked next door to the gym. I must've consumed about two gallons of water over this time span. You sweat it out in this heat as fast as you can drink. Once the workout was finished I went straight back to my room and chilled in the A/C. I felt like the day could end there but I had one more event to attend.

My AF friends had invited me to a Mother's Day cookout at the hospital. On tap was steaks, chicken, and lobster tails. It was an awesome spread and I ate two steaks. The mothers in the crowd all sat and ate first while the men served them. Then the rest of us ate. My friends are redeploying this week (AF rotations are only 4-5 months at a time). I'll miss them. They'll be back at their homes in Minnesota soon. I'm happy for them.

When it came time to call my mom all the Balad phone circuits were busy. I tried for over an hour straight but never got through. Finally I gave up and left her an e-mail. She did get the flowers I sent at least. I love you Mom!

12 May 2007: Joe on Spidey 3 - Thumbs Down!

A weekend not on mission means a half-day for Saturday. As soon as the morning staff meeting ended I told my team to take the afternoon off. I also told them that I was going to the 1400 showing of Spiderman 3 at the Sustainer Theater. True to my word I went straight from lunch to the theater. Although early by over an hour, I assumed it would already be packed and went straight in to find a seat. The lights weren't on and the place was pitch dark. Fortunately there was a Joe there who had a penlight. I needed it to make sure I didn't fall off the balcony trying to find a seat. There wasn't anyone but the Joe in the place. Being that it was dark and quiet, I took a nap. The noise of more people arriving woke me back up. Then the "Anaconda Newsreel"(a video news magazine made by the LSAA public affairs unit) started up.

Ah the movie started. Spiderman 3! We've waited so long for this.... Only for disappointment though. Too many villains - none of which were properly developed - a very lame ending, and the movie itself just seemed to drag on. I'm not saying it was terrible. It just didn't meet the standards of the first two. The "reel" critics are Joes. Throughout the movie you could hear their jeers. Every time Peter Parker's eyes welled up the cat calls started. As the movie ended one Joe summed up the attitude of all the others. He bellowed, "that movie fuckin' suuuuucked!" His outburst was followed by agreeing laughter. I have to admit that the movie was a letdown. Next on my list will be "28 Weeks Later". I may sneak in "Reno 911 - Miami". I'll let Joe be my guide.

After the movie I hit the gym and enjoyed the rest of the day off. Sunday will be a day off. Unless something changes I won't work again until Monday. I may even check out the LSAA pool. I'd be sure there will be so many people bobbing around it will resemble the Ganges. It really depends on the weather. Dust and wind are still the dominating factors right now.

Well if you haven't seen Spidey 3 yet don't let Joe's rating scare you off. Remember that Joe loved "1800-pack" (that would be "300", as in 300x6pack=1800pack; where 6pack refers to abdominal muscles, not beer). Maybe Joe isn't the best of critic. I just agreed today.

11 May 2007: Today's forecast? Dust

It's almost impossible for someone who's never been in this region to truly appreciate how harsh the climate can be here. So far I've talked about the mud and mentioned the heat (though not yet in depth). Well today's Iraqi climate exteme is the dust storm. Balad is north of Baghdad and on the eastern edge of the barren deserts of western Iraq. As the temperatures climb in late spring it spawns the sandstorms. These monsters literally blot out the sun for days and act like convection ovens. They raise the temperature by 15-20 degrees and linger for up to a week at a time. I experienced one back in 2003 on a prior deployment and it sucked. Well fortunately Balad is far enough east of the desert that it doesn't get the full brunt. Instead it gets gale force winds that swirl dust into everything. That was the forecast for today. Unfortunately, the forecasters were correct. Visibility is very reduced, dust is everywhere, and you need eye protection just to walk outside. The dust is a very fine talcum powder-like grit that gets into everything. Since it's also hot and humid it means your body becomes covered with itchy dust. I don't know how long we'll see these conditions but they are certainly set in right now. Outdoor activities are not a good idea.

How did I make the best of the situation? Well the majority of the day was spent in the office. It didn't necessarily mean I was working the whole time though. I'm working on my all-time high score in a game of Bejeweled. I varied up the routine today as well by working out over lunch. That freed me up for the movie. It was "Ghostrider" starring Nicolas Cage. Quite frankly, it was much better than I expected. However, I thought the ending was strangely similar to the original "Blade" with Wesley Snipes. Nicolas Cage was the same character he always plays only different name and profession. Every time I see him in a movie I think of the movie "Valley Girl". Any of you recall that 80's classic? There was a goofy "Army moment" as I entered the theater. At night around here soldiers are required to wear reflective belts. Well when I arrived at the theater it was still daylight (movie began at 2030). A Sergeant Major was standing at the entrance. I figured he was just waiting on someone. I should have known better. Before I could enter he said, "Good evening sir, do you have a reflective belt?" I wanted to say something about it being daylight. Instead I politely said, "good evening SGM, yes I do." "May I see it sir?" he asked. "You sure can" I said, pulling it out of my cargo pocket. Satisfied, SGM said thank you. Meanwhile I'm thinking how ridiculous it is to have a SGM posted at the entrance to the theater making sure Joes have their reflective belts. I mean this guy is a senior NCO, has over twenty years of service, and is stuck with the job of reflective belt nazi. Unbelievable! Well, actually, it is believable. I've seen it countless times before.

Before long everyone will start to think that I'm not really doing much over here. That's actually true at this moment. It should be pretty obvious at this point that being deployed here involves short stretches of intense work followed by long periods of boredom. I can promise you that I'll be busy again real soon. That's why I'm taking advantage of the free time available. It makes for an occassional boring blog entry though.

10 May 2007: Catching up on Sopranos....

...among other things. I'll get to that. First order of business today was to go sign for the pick-up truck. My new ride is a four-door Nissan Admiral. I'd never heard of one but that's not unusual. There's lots of rides over here that you won't find in the states - names like Patrol, Pajero, etc. The Admiral is a basic, tiny truck with 5-speed manual transmission. It does have AC and a stereo. The thing is white with really ugly pinstriping. There's also advertising stickers all over the thing (as though it were some kind of NASCAR racer). I'm not complaining though because it beats the hell out of the humvee. Our vehicles are just for driving around LSAA and not for joy-riding outside the wire. Anyway, there were TCN contractors getting the truck ready. They had a trailer for an office/living quarters. When the paperwork was ready to sign I went in the trailer to find it was pimped out to the max. It had shiny wood paneling, mirrored doors and ceilings, a huge entertainment center with giant flat-screen TV, and stripper poles. The kitchen area had brushed stainless steel surfaces and a long counter that went out into the living area like a stripper platform. There was a curving divider wall separating the beds from the living area. It was about waist-high, painted to resemble old west rustic wood, and had saloon-style swinging doors in the middle. There were lots of mirrors in the sleeping area as well. The furniture was all big and gawdy burl-wood veneer stuff that looked like it all came from a Service Merchandise showroom. This place was unbelievable. I can't even come close to describing how crazy this place was. The question is who were these TCN's entertaining? It's not like there are women around. Hmmm.... I guess they just wanted to live in style.

After signing for my ride it was off to a normal work day. That entails nothing exciting. For lunch I went to the AF DFAC. Guess who I saw? That's right! There he was, Mr. Arrogant himself, Chief Master Sergeant. I was already sitting down when I saw him. Our eyes met as he walked down the line of tables in my direction. I gave him a very serious, unblinking, icy stare. He quickly looked down and didn't look in my direction again. I watched him walk by and resumed eating. I was hoping that he'd say something but he didn't. No fireworks over lunch.

I'm still hampered with a stiff neck and shoulder so I decided to take a day off from the workouts. It was a perfect night for that because the next two episodes of Sopranos had arrived. After supper I settled into the hooch and watched both. All I can say is the plot thickens. I'll be eagerly awaiting the final six episodes. Will Tony's demise be the Federal Rico case? Bobby? Christopher? Paulie? the New York family? an asteroid from Mars? Global Warming? Stay tuned. I am.

My truck is really ugly folks. You wouldn't catch me driving it around Providence. However, it's a Lexus compared to that humvee. Now I don't have to wear my kevlar every time I need to drive somewhere.

09 May 2007: Time for new wheels

Good news came today. I learned that this would be the last week for me to drive around my up-armor humvee. Thank God! You've already heard me mention what a pain in the ass it can be. Since our vehicles never go "outside the wire" they will be replaced with NTVs (Non Tactical Vehicles). What's an NTV look like? Well for me it will be a Nissan pick-up truck. Before you get critical just understand that I have to take what I'm given. I really don't care because it has AC and I won't have to wear my kevlar to drive the thing. It's a lot smaller than the humvee and uses much less fuel. This is a big deal folks. I'm not going to be "Big Pimpin" in LSAA. However I will be driving in much better comfort.

News like that makes an otherwise routine day special. It's still a routine day though. That makes for boring blog entries unfortunately. Around here the time is about 85% boredom, 10% routine work, and 5% exciting stuff. I'm not complaining though because it could be a lot worse. For one, I'm not stuck in Kuwait (been there, done that, almost had to be committed). There aren't many flagpoles around here either. What I mean by that is there aren't many generals and sergeants major running around here looking for things to do (or ridiculous rules to implement and enforce). I have a good deal of autonomy here. That's a good thing. Once I head out to a FOB with my team we're really on our own to complete our work.

It's real quiet right now but it won't be like this long. Try not to let the occassional boring entry like this scare you away. There's definitely more adventure and humor on the way. For now take a gander at my humvee. After this week it will be history.

08 May 2007: Spiderman 3 - Tops in Balad

And the title of today's blog is exactly why I haven't seen the movie yet. Well that and the fact that I just got back from mission. It's showing almost daily at the Sustainer Theater but it's practically impossible to see. Soldiers start lining up at least two hours prior to the start time. I'm not about to submit myself to that torture. Temperatures are hovering around 110 and getting hotter. The movies are free so there's no profit being made at the expense of melting Joes. I'll keep my eye open for an opportunity to view Spidey 3 but for now it will have to wait.

Back in LSAA.... Thanks to our very late (or early, depending on how you look at it) return last night I gave everyone the morning off. I slept in, had coffee, and lamented my extremely stiff and sore neck. Everything here is exactly where we left off. I caught up on e-mail, paperwork, and returned phone calls all afternoon. Then, after a half-hearted attempt at Spidey 3, I went to the gym. Supper followed. Voila! Another day was complete. Let's see... that makes 64 in a row without a beer.

Everyone better remember that next time you raise a frosty mug, bottle, cup, pint, or can. Remember for all of us that are deployed.

07 May 2007: A Postcard from Mt Rushmore

Speicher, Spackle, et al. I've discovered that this FOB is also home to Mt Rushmore - East. How could that be you ask? It does seem unbelievable. Yet it's true. Refer to the photo if you don't believe me. All Joe has to do is go eat at the brand spankin' new DFAC. Inside he'll find a huge rendition of this famous landmark. I almost lost my lunch when I saw the thing. It's not a memorial of any kind. Apparently, the staff of the new DFAC wanted to have something memorable to display. So, according to the plaque at the base of this monstrosity, they spent like a billion man-hours, a hundred tons of plaster, fourteen thousand two-penny nails, ten tons of virgin timber, and five hundred cans of spray paint (numbers may be exaggerated). Now Joe can go to Iraq instead of someplace far away like South Dakota to see this national treasure. I would say I've seen it all but it's too early in the deployment.

At this point of my current travels I do feel the part of the tourist. When we go to a FOB in transit there's really nothing to do but explore. Our first time of duty is manifest at the pax terminal. Today it wasn't until 2215. I woke up with a seriously stiff neck. Thanks to my improvised pillow my body was as tense as a banjo string. We all slept past breakfast. By the time I got up, got dressed and shaved it was time for lunch. Since I was billeted in an entirely different part of COB Speicher than my previous visit I had to find my way around. That's when I discovered the new DFAC. It's a splendid facility if you discount the Mt Rushmore facade.

My team and I were limited to foot mobility so our radius of operation was minimal. With temperatures pushing 110 the safest bet was back to the billets for a nap. I made a futile attempt at getting online. Realizing that it was operating at "Pony Express" speed I threw in the towel and headed back to the air conditioned hooch. The waiting game really sucks.

At 2100 we were given a ride back to the pax terminal. There was a soldier on the bus with us from Nacitoches, LA. He was headed home on R&R. I talked it up with him the whole way. His plan was to lay low and eat his momma's food. I was reminded that it's crawfish season. Man it would be wonderful to have a real, Cajun crawfish boil! That's going on my "to-do" list.

For the second night in a row we didn't have to wait long at the pax terminal. Around 2330 we loaded on Blackhawks for the return to LSAA. Both helicopters were full and it was yet another uncomfortable flight. It was interesting though. Four separate times the pilots released flares and they were doing a lot of hard banking. At one point both door gunners on our helicopter started blazing away. The streams of tracers disappeared into the dark desert below. I have no idea what was going on. It could have been just a show for us or, perhaps, there was a real threat. Whatever the reason, we never found out. Our helicopters arrived at LSAA at around 0200. Another mission complete. I told my soldiers to take the morning off and headed back to my hooch. It actually felt great to get back. LSAA is my pseudo-home.

06 May 2007: Waiting around in FOB Marez

Ok, Ok... I know what everyone is thinking. Where have I been? I'm sorry to keep you waiting. It's my intent to have my updates ready for your morning coffee. I hope nobody has been worried about me. Everything's fine. The past 36 hours have been very chaotic. Then it didn't help a bit that I had this entire entry ready when *poof!* Lost in cyberspace. This will be a rare entry - my second iteration. Normally RD equals FC (RD - rough draft, FC - final copy). Well you are the benefactor because today you will get not one, but two entries. I'll start with 6 May 07.

Our inspections are complete. All we're doing is awaiting travel to LSAA. Unfortunately, there's no direct flight. That means we go back to LSAA via FOB Speicher. The first leg of our journey wasn't until 2200. So we have the entire day to explore. Hell, we saw the whole place yesterday. There's only so much to do at FOB Marez. It's hard to top the MWR Cinco de Mayo Fiesta. We didn't sleep in though. My two soldiers got up early and went back to MWR to watch the Merriweather-de la Hoya fight. I went to breakfast only to find the fight on at the DFAC. The irony is that my soldiers skipped breakfast to watch. There was a big crowd of Joes at the DFAC. I really couldn't tell who the favorite was among them. I personally found the fight to be boring. There was a collective groan at the split decision. When it was over I just sat back and enjoyed more coffee. I didn't need to be anywhere soon.

After breakfast I paid a visit to the trailer latrine. Remember coffee has that effect. Inside the stall I discovered that an aspiring retention Joe had paid a visit. He had left a powerful retention slogan to motivate others. After some thought I concluded that he has a future not only as a retention NCO in his unit, but also as a recruiter. Here's what he wrote:

"For a good fuck..... RE-ENLIST!!"

I find his slogan eye-catching, poignant, and quite simple. Yep, he's got a future.

There really wasn't much to do with the rest of the day. I visited the Marez gym. At 2130 we all met back at the unit orderly room with all our gear. The CQ runner gave us a ride back to the pax terminal in a 5-ton truck (a bit of overkill). Although we had been assured by the unit that our "show time" for the flight was 2200 we found out otherwise. We were late by almost two hours. Only two things saved us from missing the flight - the helicopters were late AND my persistant pleading that it wasn't our fault. It turned out to be the shortest stay at a pax terminal yet. Within 30 minutes we were loading onto CH47 Chinooks for the flight to Speicher. The Chinook is an ungainly, Vietnam-era helicopter that has two, counter-rotating, main rotor blades. It's the largest helicopter in the Army's inventory. Don't let it's age, size, or appearance fool you though. It's the fastest helicopter in the fleet. The one we loaded was completely packed with personnel and cargo. It was an incredibly uncomfortable flight. I believe everyone let out a collective sigh of relief when we finally touched down at Speicher.

Once we arrived a POC from another unit picked us up for transport to our billets. We had no mission at Speicher but a unit had been designated to provide our life support. The SSG that picked us up tried to be a tour guide. It was too dark to see anything. To make matters worse, he kept turning on the interior light of the bus every time he tried to point something out. That meant we could only see our own reflections in the bus windows. I quickly told him we had already been to Speicher and to just get us to our hooches. It was after midnight for cryin' out loud. He shut up and hurried us to our rooms. I was asleep within ten minutes of getting in my room (including a trip to the trailer latrine to brush my teeth). For whatever reason the beds had no pillows. I improvised with my pants and bath towel. This proved to be a lethal combination on my neck. I wouldn't find that out until the morning. For now I was just glad to have the day over. Now if we could just get back to LSAA.

05 May 2007: Cinco de Mayo - Marez

Yesterday's post began with me having to cut myself short because I was talking about today instead of the 4th. Thanks to my flight escapades it seems as though I experienced a 48 hour Cinco de Mayo. So where did I leave off? We had arrived in FOB Marez, been picked up by our contact, and were about to hit breakfast. That we did. By the time we finished the sun was up so rather than going to bed we knocked out our inspections. It was a good call. We finished around 1030, which meant that we were completely done with work. Seems ironic doesn't it? It took us longer to travel here than the actual work we had to perform took to complete. That's just the way it works out. Now we had the rest of the day and night to catch up on sleep, explore, and do whatever else. The first priority was sleep. I don't care what anyone says, sleep is never overrated.

A few hours later I finally stirred. After securing some coffee from the "Java Hut" (no Grean Beans here) I started walking around to see what sites FOB Marez offered. Right away I noticed an authentic 7/11 sign. I had to see for myself. My mouth began watering for a Slurpee. Disappointment followed. It was a faux-7/11 run by a local national. I should've known - the hours of operation were posted as 0900-2200 (making it a 9/10 store). There was no Slurpee machine. Inside were a bunch of pirated DVDs, trinkets, smokes, and a cooler with sodas. By the way, pirated DVDs are a booming business here. First run movies are available within 24 hours of a stateside opening for about $3 a pop. The quality of the DVD is suspect but Joes flock to the bazaar (incorrectly nicknamed "Haji-marts") to buy movies. Well in FOB Marez you can find a wide selection at the 7/11.

Adjacent to the 7/11 were other shops. There was another shop ("Marez Mart") run by a very friendly local gentleman. There you could find more pirated movies. I bought a bottle of guava juice while there. Then I walked into another store that looked like a Cracker Barrel on the outside. It was Turkish-run. Inside a soldier could find leather goods, jewelry, hair salon, and even a tailor who made business suits. Down the street was the barber shop and another leather store named "Elvis Leather Shop". I guess you could buy Elvis-inspired leather jackets there. It is really amazing how much free enterprise a person can find on a FOB.

After checking out the shops I headed over to the orderly room of the unit we had inspected. I needed to find out our flight information for returning to LSAA. As I walked in I met the commander - a female Captain - who had been absent while we were conducting our inspections. She thanked me for coming and introduced me to a civilian named Brad. He was a security specialist. I think he was there to hit on the Captain. Brad and I walked out together and he asked me if I needed a ride anywhere. I didn't but he offered to show me around. I took him up on the offer and climbed into his heavily armored Chevy Suburban. We drove to the site of an old Christian mission. I don't know how old the place was but it was just a ruin now. Across the street from the mission was a junk park of old Iraqi army tanks and artillery. I acted the tourist and took photos of both the mission and the junk. Then Brad dropped me off at the MWR, where I checked e-mail.

Remember the coffee I purchased earlier? Well it hit me and with a vengeance. I quickly headed to a containerized latrine. Boy was I happy I did! Sure, I was able to find relief but also found a choice spot for determining the pulse of Marez. There was some terrific graffitti. So long as you know what's on Joe's mind you can never fail as a leader. The toilet stall walls are where Joe takes time to reflect. What's Joe got on his mind in FOB Marez? Here's some of the thoughts and concerns. All of these quotes are exactly as documented(including spelling) by Joe.

I discovered a new breed of Joe. I'll call him effeminate Joe - as in he's in touch with the woman inside. Here's what he had to say. "Listen fellas heres the thing not every woman wants to sleep with you. She prolly dont even think about gettin down with anybody so stop treating the women in the military like whores! Cause the next Generation could be your daughter so stop the trend now!"

Then I noticed there was an intraspective Joe who wanted to share commentary on the bigger picture. He offered a couple of quotes.

"We the willing led by the unknowing Do the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much for so long with so little we are now qualified to do anything with nothing"

"Thoes who fight for it have a taste for freedom Thoes defended will never know"

It seems there are a few Joes at Marez unhappy with their chain-of-command. Here's what they had to say.

"16 SIG BN - No Discipline, Crap Commo, Bad Retention"

"29th SIG BN - No mission, Crap Leadership, Bad Spelling"

And my personal favorite - "BEND OVER AND TAKE IT LIKE A 29TH 16TH SOLDIER!" That drew a simple, yet poignant response - "That's wrong"

Fatalistic Joe made an appearance too. He said, "fuck all you cry baby Bitches you signed up for this"

Finally there was an optimistic Joe who had taken in his surroundings and summed them up with two simple words - "ghetto fabulous"

Joes at FOB Marez must hold their time as precious because the normal latrine-graffitti conversations were non-existent. However there was fresh paint in some of the stalls which indicated some choice Joe thoughts had been expunged from the record.

I didn't forget Cinco de Mayo. Indeed there was a party. It was held later at the MWR. The inside was festooned with Mexican flags, streamers, party favors, and plenty of songs that had the repetitive "Ay Ya Ya Ya's!" They were serving Becks alcohol-free beer and Doritos. It was almost out of hand. Then the main event brought the house down. Soldiers got to take turns hitting the Osama and Saddam pinatas. This may have been the greatest Cinco de Mayo party of all time. I'd recommend the FOB Marez MWR Cinco de Mayo fiesta to all of my friends. Did I mention that they were handing out sombreros? If you weren't sold before I'll bet you are now. It was "ghetto fabulous"!

Footnote - FOB Marez

Actually this is more like an introduction than a footnote. However it is very important for everyone to note the tragic history of FOB Marez. While I focus on the humor of deployment, it should never be far removed from the reality that this is a war zone. That reality hit FOB Marez very hard in 2004. On 21 December 2004 a suicide bomber disguised as one of the TCNs blew himself up inside the old DFAC. The blast killed fourteen soldiers and four civilians. Scores more were wounded. Today a plaque at the entrance to the new DFAC honors those who died that tragic day.

04 May 2007: Mosey on up to Mosul

My apologies for the late posting! I know just how important this blog is to starting out your day. It is always top priority for me to have a new posting ready in time for your morning cup'o joe. Well today's update will be in time for your brunch. This entry comes from Mosul. The biggest reason I'm behind today is because I was up all night awaiting air transport. Hell I didn't even arrive in Mosul until 0430. Once our contact picked us up (me and two of my soldiers) it was close to breakfast time. Instead of hittin' the hay we decided to eat and perform our inspections afterward. But wait, I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me get back to talking of the 4th.

Friday the 4th... The big news in LSAA is the grand opening of "Spiderman 3" at the Sustainer Theater. It's practically impossible to get a seat on opening day. I thought I'd try to sneak in but no. Two hours before the movie started a long line snaked around the theater. In this heat? Forget it! I'll see the movie eventually. It will be showing every day for the next ten days or so. You folks back home better not spoil it for me.

So where did a trip to Mosul come from? I've got to work to earn my keep. It's time to travel again. This is where the adventures of the pax terminals start anew. Once again I found myself laying on a stinky folding cot waiting on a C130 that was running an hour late - make that two, no three, I mean four.... We were supposed to board at 2230 but it was after 0200 when we finally crammed on board. So now I find out what FOB Marez is all about.

I'm glad the 4th came and went. Next entry comes from FOB Marez. By the way, it had been raining here when we arrived. I don't even have to tell you what that means.

03 May 2007: What's in a day?

Well if we're talking about today it's an empty shell. I sat in front of my computer all morning, ate lunch, and then was back on the computer all afternoon. I took it upon myself to revise our team SOP (standard operating procedures) notebook (Army euphimism is "Battlebook"). Well that proved to be a much bigger task than I thought. Most of the memos and guidelines dated back to 2005. It seems the prior management of the team was reticent to open the book at all. I have to admit that I've been a little slow to look myself. Well now I'm knee-deep in SOP's. I can see why the battlebook was covered in dust. The memos are poorly written, outdated, and full of typo's. I can safely say that the team battlebook will be brand new when I'm finished. Hopefully my work doesn't result in carpel-tunnel syndrome. My next project will be something this team has never had - a continuity book. This is a very important record that keeps track of missions completed, personnel assigned, and other critical team data. It's called a continuity book because it assists new leadership to quickly understand the functions of the team. In other words, when I eventually leave and a new OIC arrives there will be no loss of continuity in the team's operations.

I found out that yesterday was the fourth anniversary of Ivy Tavern. Ah, my favorite neighborhood watering hole back home.... Congratulations Dave! May there be many, many more anniversaries. My regards to Angela, Maggie, Rob, Hutch, Thomas, Stacy, and Katy! Another shout goes out to all my regular friends - there's too many to mention. So long as I don't get extended I will definitely see you at the fifth anniversary.

Do you all remember just a few days back when it was pouring rain and cool? That was less than a week ago. Well the Iraq I remember is back. Temperatures are pushing 100 and climbing fast. We'll be roasting in no time! Now's a good time to go do another "pulse-check" of morale. That's right folks, watch for the next edition of "port-o-jon" humor. It's time to see what's on Joe's mind now that the temperatures are starting to soar. Stay tuned!

02 May 2007: Symphony in C-RAM minor

Insurgents are fair weather fans. When the weather clears, ground dries, and temperatures go up we can expect to hear from them more. So that means mortar attacks hear at LSAA have increased. It's the same old shit though - fortunately. They'll pop off a few unaimed rounds way beyond the range of their gun systems. The C-RAMs take care of the shots that seem to have a chance of doing damage. Well for the second night in a row I was rousted from my sleep by long bursts from the C-RAM. The system fires something like 3,000 rounds a minute and sounds like a loud buzz saw. The sound of the burst is shortly followed by the staccato rattle of the rounds exploding at a preset altitude. It reminds me of the crackling fireworks at a big 4th of July show. It's a comforting event in the daytime. At night when I'm asleep? It's a nuisance. It probably took me an hour to get back to sleep. An hour later it was time to get up. It must have had the same effect on most everyone else because there were a lot of grouchy faces this morning.

There's really no starting point to today. I was working in about five different directions. I've got team members leaving in the next few days to assist another unit in the north. I'll be leaving for a few days myself. So it boils down to completing paperwork, conducting PCI/PCC, briefing the chain-of-command, scheduling flights, making sure we've got a place to stay at the remote FOB and so forth and so on.... For the most part I felt as though I were in a daze today. It was mainly thanks to the symphony of the C-RAMs keeping me awake at night. I tried to sneak in a nap after lunch but it just didn't work.

Eventually I made great progress and once the team cleared out of the office I went to the gym. That always perks me up. A post workout trip to the DFAC was, at first, promising. On the menu was steak, lobster, scallops, shrimp, and other various side items. The lobster tails looked great. They've served them in the past and they weren't bad (I realize the DFAC isn't Carrie's on Douglas Ave - "Home of the 3lb Lobster"). Tonight it seems the lobsters were straight from the same factory that makes rubber chickens. Once I dragged the tail out of the shell I dipped it in butter and greatly anticipated the savory first bite. I might as well have bitten a rubber dog toy. It's unlikely my teeth even made an impression. My immediate thought was to drop it back to my plate but to do so would have necessitating picking it up off the floor (it would have bounced). So I gently returned the tail to my plate. Next I tackled the steak. Bites on the periphery were tender enough but the center was leather. Fortunately there was the salad bar. I filled up on cucumbers, carrots, onions, and some watermelon. It's very unusual for the DFAC chow to be the crap they served tonight. That made supper even more disappointing. Hopefully it isn't a foreboding sign of things to come. Weight loss is not on my agenda.

An ice cold Yuengling would've been perfect. I can still remember how one tastes.

01 May 2007: Walking down Hero's Highway

April ends, May begins. The new month promises to bring much hotter temperatures and dryer weather. Around here the "April showers" do not bring "May flowers". April showers bring mud. May flowers? If they exist here I haven't seen them. Even if they do exist they probably are weeds and induce hay fever. This is a harsh place.

May came with a bang too. I was awoken early in the morning by the sound of the C-RAM engaging incoming mortar rounds. That woke my neighbor too. He got up and started banging around in the bathroom. It was probably 30 minutes later that I finally went back to sleep. Unfortunately, I was rousted out of my sleep again about an hour later. Seems the TCNs were tasked with re-stacking sandbags around our trailers so they chose to start at about 0530. They were heaving the sandbags right up against the side of the trailer. The sound of a sandbag slamming against the wall got me up for good. Shortly after that the AF mechanics started testing F16 engines nearby. To the tune of tossed sandbags and jet engine afterburners I got up and made coffee. Hello to you too May.

The night before I had spoken to my AF friends - Ron, Ben, and Stephanie - from the hospital. They had invited me to come take a complete tour, possibly observing the transport of a patient to the flight line. I readily accepted the invite. Today around lunch time Ron stopped by to pick me up. I've been to the CSH before but today was different in that I got to see behind the scenes. I got a complete tour of the holding area for patients being staged for air transport to Kuwait or Germany. I met some of the nurses and physicians assistants. I also saw the storage areas where charitable donations to the hospital are kept - very impressive. From there we headed next door to the hospital. First we walked to the heliport and walked back through the aptly named "Hero's Hwy" tent tunnel leading to triage and surgery. The photo accompanying today's comments is the view patients see coming off the helicopters.

Once inside the hospital I was able to see the area where patients are manifested for flights to Germany or Kuwait. The whole hospital is comprised of interconnected tents but is equipped with the latest technology. It has a chapel, MWR, cafeteria, ICUs for soldiers, Iraqi civilians, captured insurgents, etc., X-ray, radiology, and every other department you'd expect to find. All of the ICUs had patients. I wasn't able to go into the units holding Iraqi civilians or insurgents. I was able to go speak with soldiers and civilian contractors in one of the ICUs. There were both combat and non-combat conditions being treated. I spoke with an AF military working dog handler who had taken shrapnel from a mortar round in his leg. He was eager to return to duty and to be reunited with his dog. Fortunately, the dog wasn't with him at the time he was wounded. I also spoke with two civilian contractors who had been wounded in a rocket attack on the Green Zone. As bad as it could have been, all of these individuals will return to duty after minor rehab. I sincerely thanked them for their service and sacrifice. They were all very eager to return to work. We left the hospital shortly afterward. It was a much appreciated tour. Ron and the gang asked if I'd like to volunteer to assist on the flight line sometime with loading patients. I enthusiastically said yes. Later I asked my team and they all volunteered as well. If we get a call we'll go help.

The rest of the day was spent biding time. I chose not to work out. Hey I can take a day off every now and then. It isn't like I'm out of shape or getting fat. The real motivating factor was that my friend Dave down in Kuwait had forwarded me the newest episode of Sopranos. It's the final 9 episodes! So after supper I got comfortable back in the hooch and had a private Sopranos party. I won't comment on the episode though. You'll just have to watch yourself. Don't worry Dave, I'll return the disk. Thanks for sending it to me. I eagerly await the next episode.

Welcome May! Now, hurry up and be June already!