13 May 2007: Flash to Bang - Sergeant Major style

Everybody should be familiar with the concept of "flash to bang". It's a method of determining distance based on the separation time between light and sound. If you've seen the movie "Poltergeist" then you'll remember the boy counting seconds from the flash of lightning to the sound of the thunder. We use it all the time in the Army. It's very useful in determining the distance of observed artillery or mortar fire. There's another type of "flash to bang". It's the delay from being observed in public violating some type of petty regulation to getting corrected by a Sergeant Major (SGM).

SGM's live to memorize regulations, policy memorandums, Command directives, and any other type of rule that Joe could possibly violate. They then become the stealthy enforcers, always on the lookout to lay waste to unsuspecting Joes. It may be failing to display a reflective belt (refer to my 11 May entry), sunglasses in the PX, headgear not removed fast enough in the DFAC, shoelace that's untucked on the boot, and the list goes on. Believe me if Joe is in violation SGM will pounce. Rarely is the flash to bang more than about 30 seconds. Rank does not make you immune either. I know this first hand. I experienced SGM-style flash to bang today. The story goes something like this.....

Ah Sunday.... My day off.... It was very sunny, very hot, and I had nothing to do. I decided to check out the pool. The LSAA pool is a fine facility. It's Olympic sized with diving platforms. Since it was Sunday I expected the place to be completely packed. It was. As a matter of fact, there were so may heads bobbing around it resembled the Ganges. At first I didn't expect to find a chair. However as I walked around to the far side a Joe got up and left. I pounced on the empty chair and settled in for a few minutes of lounging. Once I had laid down I reached down and pulled out my iPod. It took me less than a minute to put in my earpieces, turn it on, select music, and close my eyes. Within ten seconds of closing my eyes there was a tap on my shoulder. I opened them to see a SGM hovering over me. He was in his ACUs and wearing his sidearm. I said, "yes SGM?" He responds, "sir, iPods are not authorized at this facility." As I'm taking my iPod off and placing it back under the chair he continues. "Sir, MNF-I (Multi-National Force Iraq) policy memorandum xx-xxx (he actually quoted the number I just can't remember it - not a SGM) states that the use of portable stereo devices is not authorized in...." Simply stunned and incredulous at how fast he had pounced on me I held my hand up and exclaimed, "SGM! I got it! I'm putting it up!" Fortunately, he did not continue to recite the memorandum. Instead he simply said "thank you, sir" and walked away. He then walked to the other side of the pool where he eyed me suspiciously for about the next ten minutes. Eventually he left but I did not even think about pulling the iPod back out. I'm convinced he vanished into a hide position from which to pounce. I guess I learned my lesson. Flash to bang time? Less than 30 seconds. SGM was within his normal operating range for rule violators. I took comfort in knowing that all was well at the pool. We were all safer thanks to SGM. Silly me - I should have known better.

I could only take about 45 minutes at the Ganges. It was too hot, too crowded, and I had already been labeled a trouble maker. I gathered my gear and walked next door to the gym. I must've consumed about two gallons of water over this time span. You sweat it out in this heat as fast as you can drink. Once the workout was finished I went straight back to my room and chilled in the A/C. I felt like the day could end there but I had one more event to attend.

My AF friends had invited me to a Mother's Day cookout at the hospital. On tap was steaks, chicken, and lobster tails. It was an awesome spread and I ate two steaks. The mothers in the crowd all sat and ate first while the men served them. Then the rest of us ate. My friends are redeploying this week (AF rotations are only 4-5 months at a time). I'll miss them. They'll be back at their homes in Minnesota soon. I'm happy for them.

When it came time to call my mom all the Balad phone circuits were busy. I tried for over an hour straight but never got through. Finally I gave up and left her an e-mail. She did get the flowers I sent at least. I love you Mom!